03.10.10
Posted in
General
| 12:57
Been so low lately I asked my friend to lunch just so I had to eat & at least look like I was enjoying it - just to tell ED I just don't care any more, even if it's just for today!! We ended up sharing a meal & sharing a slice so at least I didn't feel too full & sick as I thought I would be! Must admit to feeling a little blah....
My therapy sessions are every 3 wks on average & even though it's so hard going through past stuff, it feels like eternity in between sessions cos that means I have to cope on my own for weeks & pretend to everyone that yes I'm fine thanks!
Wish I could give all you gorgeous girls a hug, just cos you're so brave, & beautiful, & so deserving of so much more in life...
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03.02.10
Posted in
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| 08:55
Well, I made 6 days living on a carrot or so & then we had a 'family' dinner - was pretty hungry so thought I'd use it to try & break the restricting - worked, ate, but - felt yuk so hit the lax pills, NOT so good!
Had a quiet food day Sunday, then had to go out for dinner - arrggghhh - So much! I so hate sitting in front of people at a table, feeling like I have to be 'normal'. Yes did enjoy a bit of variety of foods & my friends, BUT OMG, was so stuffed & the variety doesn't feel so good now cos my stomach isn't used to it - so more lax pills in the panic & now I am paying for it big time!!
I have to ask myself - is ED all worth this pain??
Oh & I have another therapy session tomorrow, so am hoping for some breakthrough yet again - can't give up hoping each time, otherwise it's not worth going!
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02.24.10
Posted in
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| 05:30
Ohhhhh......it's the 3rd day restricting big time - few carrots & odd mouthful of some other stuff - & quite a lot of liquid....... yeh I know its not a great move, along with the walk & running I started back up, but...there's no-one to talk to & I've put on so much weight trying to eat better, so probably panicking. Was doing pretty good last month or so, so I'm sure I can turn it around again, but then again ED is rather loud. Think it might have been the late night ice-cream plate on the weekend -which I never have - that was the last straw!! I know its disordered thinking but knowing doesn't guarantee that you can overcome the voice - does help a bit though I guess - so hopefully this will be short term - again!
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02.13.10
Posted in
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| 08:58
Well I'm here, so I guess I survived the session !!!
As hard as therapy/counselling sessions are I SO wish I could just have a one stop session & go until everything is sorted. It's way too hard going back & forth, week after week or weeks sometimes. Coping in between time is much harder than the actual session. Trying to get past the 'denial' aspect of my past. Don't know why reality is so hard to handle. Should be easier than the ED control stuff & the lies we believe.
Has been heaps nice though having someone on my side - helping, encouraging, being real & not judging or talking about me to other people - a sorry part of my current & past relationships. I thing they are helping me to trust a little again. Feels good when I am with them. SO want to isolate from everybody else at the moment & just concentrate on recovery. There are far too many distractions every day & it seems like it is taking forever.
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02.07.10
Posted in
General
| 13:12
Hey Emma, great to have you sharing on the blog but you need to enable your comments on the New Post page cos we can't make comments or talk direct until you tick the box when you post a blog.
Well so far so good. Lots & lots of 'stuff' coming up in the therapy sessions. Pretty hard to cope with some of it - the past & the emotions that come from it & all, but just have to keep on, & on till it's done. I can't let ED rule my life forever, SO.....back again this week...help! Will let you know if I survive......
Have been so exhausted for a while now, no strength or motivation in my body or mind, so have put on some weight as I have been eating a few different foods (variety actually is really nice) & can't run it or the guilt off straight away. Very hard to handle, feel so lazy but helpless to do anything besides restrict - but am trying not to!
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01.25.10
Posted in
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| 11:17
its so hard trying to cope with everyday when you're doing therapy - everything seems that much harder when you're tired, even thinking, no wonder i'm so double-minded about decisions & stuff...... how can sitting & talking be so exhausting! guess there's something for intensive - you don't have to drive home & get back to reality, smile & cope, pretend........probably wouldn't handle the accountability & confinement too well if i was honest with myself though!
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01.14.10
Posted in
General
| 06:20
Not in the best place to be blogging today, but life is so monotonous & repetitive with ED what is there to say...
Whatever I tell you about today, you've heard it before!!
Miss you Amy, hope you are doing well if you're stilll reading the site.
Hey H, couldn't comment last blog, but hoping you are managing with the family stuff, it can make life more of a strain-than it already is! Sometimes I hide & isolate to cope but feel so disconnected from family & friends; other times I figure I may as well make the decision to make peace, keep the peace & hopefully my pro-active stance will change the atmosphere for others as well as me.
Have worked one thing out - we are survivors, despite our self-destructive thoughts & ways, we are strong enough to survive & to beat ED who really is just an annoying, albeit loud voice that only has power over us if we give it. So I figure the best strategy is not to listen anymore, what does IT know about me anyway.
Have stopped all the pills for a whole 2 days now - well I have to start somewhere!
Harder to stop with the other 'addictions' that have started because of ED because it seems too big to tackle with ED as well.
So I guess the one day at a time thing would work if I let go a bit....just a bit, today.
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12.26.09
Posted in
General
| 10:58
Hope everyone has & is enjoying their Christmas.
I had a good day despite all the crowds & food. Better than I expected anyway! It has been good feeling a little more 'normal' for the last 2 days, but now I am feeling like it has all built to a peak & my mind & body are yelling.....STOP!! Don't know why it is so hard to choose what I should do now over what I am used to doing - restricting!
Thank goodness the time for new years resolutions is coming again soooon....will it work this time??
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12.17.09
Posted in
General
| 08:09
Wishing you all a very Happy & Blessed Christmas......
but I know as you do this is a hard as time of year with ED......& social times & family.....
I am SO over this year & really hope that 2010 is a season of freedom & growth & a few relaxed fun times - what are they??
Otherwise, what is the point....none that I can see anyway...far too depressing thinking that 'this is it!'
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12.03.09
Posted in
General
| 12:57
I was a little worried today about going out with some friends - for a meal.....
Have been cutting food back & skipping a bit lately because it feels like I have gained too much weight too quick! I wanted to go out with them, but.... I ended up deciding - after all the mind games of course - that I would allow myself to eat 'normal' but not to overdo it if possible. Huge for me! Even if it's only a planned one off for a while!
Well I did eat reasonably, heaps more than usual though...got abdo cramps for a while & really wanted to get it out, but tried to self talk a bit - that it's only temporary, I'm not gonna double in size with one meal, etc.....but I did feel really self conscious about eating 'so much' in front of friends.
Well the contradictions came from - one person there who commented "you did really well"-in other words she noticed how much I had eaten, as in more than usual!!! Another one who couldn't come said on the phone a few hours after that "you wouldn't have eaten anything, I could have had your share as well" !!
So do people expect me to eat or not - I know I shouldn't care, but it makes me feel like I'm being watched all the time & that makes it nearly impossible to want to go out for meals in company, let alone have any hope of actually enjoying it!! Also it felt like I'm not supposed to eat - that's who I am, so therefore I messed up big time.....trying to recover is feeling way too long right now,
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